My Sweet Cameron

I found out two days ago that my cousin, Cameron Xavier Dansby had been killed. He was only 23. It breaks my heart. This is the cousin I grew up with. He lived in the same home with me when we were in elementary school and then again for a while in high school. We took dance class together as little children...he was so skinny and cute. As we grew into young adults, he took a different route, a route I wouldn't have chosen for him...but he was finding his way. And all too quickly, he was snatched from the earth a few short months after welcoming his son (who looks like his twin) into the world.

I cannot explain why this happened. Why he wasn't one who lost his way...then found it. Why he will never get that chance. I just can't say. But I find relief that I don't have all the answers. I thank God that I don't have to carry the weight and burden of knowing it all because as heavy as I have been feeling in these last few weeks of pregnancy, I am still far too small to carry that significant task. I do know that 5 years ago, Cameron and I sat in his mother's living room in the very early hours of the morning. I took his hand and I prayed for him. We recited the sinner's prayer. I have to find peace in that. I remember opening my eyes in the middle of the prayer seeing this young man across from me who literally seemed to radiate light in those few moments. I remember thinking "God is here". I couldn't help but see that little boy that I played cars with as a little girl, the little boy that weighed 50 lbs with the head of a basketball. The little boy that I called "My little Keebler Elf" because he had a round head with little pointy ears that kinda stuck out as a toddler.The young man I used to goof off with and jokingly freestyle battled with. I loved him so much. And it hurts to think I won't get to see him anymore and hear his silly jokes...not here on earth. I think I will even miss his occasional temper flare ups now...because love it or hate it, that was Cam. It hurts that people can be so unkind that they would take him from the earth so cruelly. It's not right but I trust God.

I trust God. And I will miss my little cousin but I will not spend life mourning him. I have far too many precious moments to hold onto for that.

I love you sweet Cam and trust that this is not the end.

Life in Saipan

These last few weeks have been insane...like something out of a movie. I can't even begin to explain everything so I won't try. I will say that we have grown tremendously and been changed by our move to Saipan. We have been deeply saturated in a cultural experience like none other, we have gotten to spend more time together in the last few weeks than we have in any other 4 weeks in our marriage. That has been a blessing. But things are different and there are things that we have to adjust to and things that we have to decide if we can adjust to. It's all very intense.

As far as baby, he is moving like never before. It reminds me of that game where those groundhound things pop out of holes all over and then going disappear. I have lumps appearing and disappearing all over my belly. It's pretty funny! I can't believe I am nearing 33 weeks. That is so insane to me. I have been looking forward to this moment since I was a little girl and here it is just weeks away! I have to say that as the time draws near it is bittersweet to imagine family and friends not here to celebrate with us. Particularly our mothers and sisters being here to greet our sweet munchkin as he is just minutes new into the world. That is hard. But God is good and we continue to hold on to the fact that we are here for a purpose.

Overall this is truly a season of patience, obedience, and spiritual growth. Though there are difficult moments I believe Aaron and I have realized that we are both stronger and more resilent then we thought. We have also grown closer to one another through this process. And we have been able to spend these last few weeks of my pregnancy together, making decisions and enjoying each other's company. I can't say that this would be the case in the states and for that I am forever grateful.

Enough for today. I will be back soon. Honest :)