My Sweet Cameron

I found out two days ago that my cousin, Cameron Xavier Dansby had been killed. He was only 23. It breaks my heart. This is the cousin I grew up with. He lived in the same home with me when we were in elementary school and then again for a while in high school. We took dance class together as little children...he was so skinny and cute. As we grew into young adults, he took a different route, a route I wouldn't have chosen for him...but he was finding his way. And all too quickly, he was snatched from the earth a few short months after welcoming his son (who looks like his twin) into the world.

I cannot explain why this happened. Why he wasn't one who lost his way...then found it. Why he will never get that chance. I just can't say. But I find relief that I don't have all the answers. I thank God that I don't have to carry the weight and burden of knowing it all because as heavy as I have been feeling in these last few weeks of pregnancy, I am still far too small to carry that significant task. I do know that 5 years ago, Cameron and I sat in his mother's living room in the very early hours of the morning. I took his hand and I prayed for him. We recited the sinner's prayer. I have to find peace in that. I remember opening my eyes in the middle of the prayer seeing this young man across from me who literally seemed to radiate light in those few moments. I remember thinking "God is here". I couldn't help but see that little boy that I played cars with as a little girl, the little boy that weighed 50 lbs with the head of a basketball. The little boy that I called "My little Keebler Elf" because he had a round head with little pointy ears that kinda stuck out as a toddler.The young man I used to goof off with and jokingly freestyle battled with. I loved him so much. And it hurts to think I won't get to see him anymore and hear his silly jokes...not here on earth. I think I will even miss his occasional temper flare ups now...because love it or hate it, that was Cam. It hurts that people can be so unkind that they would take him from the earth so cruelly. It's not right but I trust God.

I trust God. And I will miss my little cousin but I will not spend life mourning him. I have far too many precious moments to hold onto for that.

I love you sweet Cam and trust that this is not the end.